Recovery At Work

By Peter T.

Like many alcoholics, I spent decades changing my goals to match my behavior. Getting fired from a job took me past the tipping point, where I could no longer deny that I didn’t need to do anything about my problems. I say “problems” rather than just “problem,” because I know now that I couldn’t blame my drinking for everything.

I’ve been at my current job for almost 20 years, minus an externally imposed hiatus. My work story of “what I used to be like, what happened, and what I am like now” serves as a recovery story itself, within the larger story of my journey.  For many of us, our job can occupy half our waking hours.  Our level of serenity at work can have a corresponding impact on our general wellness and life outside of work.

In my early 30s, with my alcoholism in full progress, I walked away from a life that wasn’t going according to my plan. Instead of considering that alcohol might have something to do with my malaise, I quit my job, sold my house, and moved back to my home state. I lived off my savings in the finished attic of my sister’s house, feeling defeated and not looking very hard for a job. 

I drank most waking hours for another full year until a job found me. At a wedding I met a friend-of-a-friend whose family owned a software company. As soon as I mentioned one particular skill I had, he asked me to come in for an interview. An offer was made after one interview and I accepted. I then showed up to my first day of work still drunk from the night before. Another employee told the owner that she smelled alcohol on my breath, but I managed to lie my way out of the accusation, and it was forgotten.

I quickly settled into a pattern of working with intensity in order to pass the day, starting to drink as soon as I got out of work, and managing to be mostly sobered up for the next morning. After a few years, I bought my own house, which was very close to the office. It was bigger than I needed and cost more than I wanted to spend, but since I didn’t do anything but work and drink, it was a brilliantly alcoholic selection. My world had shrunk to my house, the office, the convenience store, and Costco, all within one mile of each other.

As my success and responsibility in my job increased, so did my bitterness and dissatisfaction. Pounding my body with a continuous flow of alcohol, I was capable of feeling only depression, anger, and boredom. I indulged in defective behaviors, feeling entitled to be judgmental, critical, sarcastic, surly, and dismissive at times. I copped the grandiose attitude that “this place couldn’t run without me,” though it would later be demonstrated that this was not the case.

Due to poor executive decisions, the company almost folded, but instead was acquired by a larger software company. There was a large staff reduction, and to cut costs the office was moved across town to a no-frills refurbished industrial space. I now had to face the “horror” of a 20-minute commute, the indignation of a workspace that wasn’t worthy of my presence, the intrusion of new corporate overlords, and a bigger workload not of my own making.

Most rational people, like the majority of my co-workers, would have taken all this in stride, been grateful to still have a job, and moved on with the business at hand. I could only see how all of the changes were not to my liking, and my resentments grew greater with each passing day. For the first time in my life, I was now sneaking drinks at lunch. I asked to work from home one day a week (to be spared the arduous 7-mile drive). On these days I’d start drinking in the morning and usually be passed out by mid-afternoon.

I lost my job for a single spectacular act of insubordination, attempting to serve justice for harms fancied against me. I was home and quite drunk during the incident – thanks to technology that allowed me to do my damage via email – but I can see now that I could have acted the same without any drinks in me. 

I accidentally happened upon some very sensitive documents that were carelessly left in a publicly accessible spot on our company network. They included salary information and unflattering comments about employees who were candidates for further staff cuts. I assumed they originated from the CEO, for whom I was holding a very strong resentment. 

When I share my full story in meetings, this is where I say “The right thing to do would have been to inform the executives of the situation. The wrong thing to do was to anonymously suggest to all your co-workers that they also have a look.” In my selfishly childish state, I felt justified in my actions. I was miserable and somehow concluded that spreading the misery was warranted. I hurt many of my co-workers and destroyed my employer’s trust. 

I was rehired a couple years after being terminated. It was a slow my introduction, from occasional contracting, to part-time, then full-time. Some at the company knew of my recovery efforts and were willing to give me a second chance. Others were against bringing me back, and a couple of them were not shy about telling me so. I had to face one of the harshest episodes of my past every day at work, knowing it could not be undone, but that I could only move forward.

In sobriety, I’ve taken a hard look at the nature of my defects. I do not believe that they will be removed from me, but that I can only remain keenly aware of them. Instead of engaging in my defective tendencies, I try to behave in an enlightened manner. I’m an advocate for living amends, rather than the formal amends process; my experience has taught me that quiet, continuous, correct action is the way to show you are genuinely remorseful for past actions, and working to make positive changes.

Back at my job, I persevered in quiet dignity, trying to be a “worker among workers,” and staying positive. Instead of being my old critical, blaming, pessimistic self, I embraced a new attitude: “How do we best move forward from here?” I volunteered to be on the Improvement Committee, where we developed recommendations to management on how to make the workplace more pleasant.

My company had saved my email account, so I got to see the evidence of 12 years of my past behavior. I could see in my own writing, a trend of increasing toxicity over the years. I even wanted to apologize for a couple of them, but again, just saying “sorry” doesn’t mean much without demonstrating improved behavior. When sending emails now, I rarely have to completely throw out the first draft; I do review them, however, to make sure I’m staying professional, only communicating facts, not casting any judgment, and not offering my opinion where it is not requested.

Now six years later, and five years of continuous sobriety, I have earned back the respect of my co-workers. One of the executives, who did not want to rehire me told me that she saw that I was a changed man. For years I believed that I would only be known as “that guy who did that stupid thing,” but now my termination is rarely mentioned. 

I am open in the workplace about my not drinking. I travel with co-workers, and I’m comfortable enough to dine with normal drinkers. If asked why I don’t drink, I will simply say “I can’t stop, so I don’t start.” I do not offer that I attend AA but will acknowledge if asked specifically. I have a couple co-workers that appear to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but I don’t make it my business. I only offer my experience to them when it comes up in conversation.

As had heard, it turned out there would be a lot more to my recovery than just putting down the drink. In my first run at sobriety, I tried to do the AA steps with a sponsor in a traditional fashion. As an agnostic, I was not able to embrace an ethereal higher power and this contributed to my eventual need to do “more research.” It was not easy to reconcile my beliefs with what I was hearing in meetings, but I kept attending, unsure of what else I could do. 

I found resolve to avail myself of the fellowship, and to somehow find a sobriety program that worked for me. I discussed the 12 steps at length with a new sponsor and used outside literature to understand their underlying principles. I was able to interpret the steps in a secular way such that I believed I could work them and grow through them. My connection with the AA Beyond Belief community and other secular recovery networks has kept me progressing along this path. I’m grateful to have a new set of principles, and the willingness to try to practice them in all my affairs.

About the Author

Peter is a Vermont native who has lived in DC, Chicago, and Detroit but enjoys the beauty and laid-back lifestyle of his home state. As a music lover, he has played bass guitar in bands and worked as a radio DJ. He is also an antique car enthusiast and loves going to car shows with his 1971 Buick Riviera. Peter attended WAAFTIAAC 2016 in Austin where he gave a workshop on the Living Sober book. He looks forward to discovering secular meetings as his work travels take him all over the US, and he welcomes all to enjoy his soberbingo.com website.

Read Peter’s article Without A Higher Power, published here on January 22, 2017. 

Artwork

The artwork used in this article was created by Cope C. from the Many Paths Group in Urbana, Illinois. 

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  1. Peter T. February 27, 2018 at 8:37 pm - Reply

    Thanks all for the kind feedback and comments.  The team here is great to work with – John S, Doris A and especially editor Galen T who not only helps really polish up the final product, but helps me take a closer look at my own experience.  I was able to reflect and grow a bit in the process.  I’ve had to inventory my work habits of late and it seems there is always opportunity for improvement.
    I’ve never interacted with Cope indirectly, but the artwork here is always spot-on.  The glass in the main graphic is eerily similar to the ones I used, with the glass bubble in the base and my bourbon splashing about.
    This community has been an invaluable asset in my sobriety and maturity, and I’m glad to be able to give back.  I’m humbled that my contributions have been well-received. 
    I can’t take credit for the title… my first suggestion was “Recovery and Restoration in the Workplace”, it was Galen who suggested “Recovery at Work” which is forehead-smackingly better J
    Just today my boss’s boss asked me “how long have you been here?” and when I gave the “20 years minus the break” explanation, and jokingly called it “20 years with an asterisk” he just shook his head and said “you don’t need the asterisk.”  It seems like others are willing to forget about my episode, but I hope I never get so complacent that I could.

  2. PJ February 27, 2018 at 3:15 pm - Reply

    Hi Peter, I love the play of the words in the title of your article ‘Recovery at Work’. So much is conveyed in these three words no matter how you interpret them.

    I have always been a fan of a practical approach to living. I have found that it is one thing to have a fantastic sounding theory but quite another to demonstrate that theory in practice. Your story very much captures this principle in action. The fact that you were rehired by your company and were working amongst those who remembered your previous history adds an extra dimension of practicality to your sobriety.

    Similar to you I had to learn how to remain sober while attending theistic AA meetings, I realised after eighteen years of sobriety that I did not believe in god. The AABB fellowship has become a central element of my secular sobriety. A new secular meeting in my home city has expanded this secular fellowship. I also attend theistic AA meetings to avail myself of the AA fellowship that got me sober albeit with a secular interpretation of the steps.

    Thanks again for a great read.

     

  3. Galen T. February 26, 2018 at 8:26 am - Reply

    Thank you for your excellent article, Peter.

    I do differ with you a bit on the business of making amends. Living amends are certainly vital, but so are the actual apologies for our past hurtful conduct. Such apologies inculcate the humility that helps us avoid repeating our objectionable behaviors. Most important, perhaps, it is crucial for us to listen to what the other person has to say to us, no matter how painful this may be. This is a part of taking responsibility for our past actions, and this, in turn, grounds our capacity for change.

    I hope we hear from you again before long.

     

  4. Gerald February 25, 2018 at 3:09 pm - Reply

    Nice to hear more of your story. The biggest problems in my life were #1 depression and #2 the effects of childhood trauma, abuse, & neglect. (Actually not resentment (#3?) not self-seeking (#4?); lack of power? What’s that even mean?)

    Neither one of these problems is a character defect or personal failing.

    Prozac was *** wonderful *** in ‘93-95; wouldn’t have survived my depression in AA without Prozac. Meds-free since ‘95, and sober, but since ‘09 I’ve been 100% cured of lifelong depression thanks to very low carb dieting, f.i.n.a.l.l.y., (not spiritual means but nutritional means).

    ACA was wonderful for understanding the lifelong effects of shame (childhood trauma, abuse, & neglect), my #2 problem. I don’t blame myself for anything stupid I ever did. Instead, I congratulate myself on all the great things I’m doing nowadays.

    AA, steps 1-9 = the Prodigal Son spiritual awakening. Good to a certain point, but not a good attitude for long term sobriety (my opinion).

    I shouldn’t try to be the Prodigal Son f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

    That kind of spiritual awakening was tapped out long ago. On to better things!

    Nowadays I logically interweave AA’s prayer, meditation, & self-examination for the purpose of pumping myself up 🙂 That’s where looking at the bright side of life begins with me … How can I appreciate life if I’m not appreciating myself, first?

    Serving others? Hmmm … how about serving myself?! How about loving myself? … Fellow AA members tell me I help them, but I know I’m helping myself.

    Anyways, thanks again!

    Gerald, in Japan

  5. Doris A February 25, 2018 at 10:59 am - Reply

    It was a delight to read your story again Peter.  While my drinking created problems with my job, it was a bit different than yours.  I did come to work drunk, and twice people noticed. I was a medical rehab counselor so this was not good. I often was impaired while seeing clients, many who were vulnerable.  I left work early, drank on the way home with was 25 miles down Interstate 5. I was too often hungover and useless at work.It shames me to say this. When I took off a month for treatment I never had to guts to openly talk about it with coworkers. I wish it wasn’t so, but I can’t redo history.  While it pains me to write all this, I think being public about my past is good.

    Your story also made rethink how I should be more diligent with the steps. I have a new sponsor who I meet next week. She is a believer but seems fine with my non-theism. At least that is my initial impression.  There is not a wealth of agnostic/atheists in my community for sponsorship, our agnostic meeting is robust but it’s not a huge number of people and many have a year or less. Hopefully, this will change with time.

    We are planning to do community outreach. One of the treatment programs loves that they have our two groups in town. We will also let the university counseling center know about us as well as therapists in town. Many of them have clients that need support from a group to stay sober.  We just have to be careful to not look like we are overpromoting ourselves, you know attraction, not promotion.  It would just give the folks that hate us in traditional AA to start complaining.

    Thanks for writing this really well-written piece.

    And Cope the lead image is great.  Thank you for contributing to the website.

  6. bob k February 25, 2018 at 10:30 am - Reply

    I enjoy a well-written, engaging story, and this one was all of that. Self-examination has been enormously beneficial to me. Those who dismiss the 12 steps in their entirety really miss out on something helpful.

  7. Thomas Brinson February 25, 2018 at 9:27 am - Reply

    Such a wonderful article, Peter, thank you !~!~!

    I also appreciated your take on living amends, which I practice each day that I don’t use.

  8. Lance February 25, 2018 at 9:03 am - Reply

    You describe my work and drinking relationship well.  It is a pleasure to read about my life in such beautiful detail including the recovery–but told by you so that I don’t need to relive my own embarrassing moments in the process.  I know they happened and sometimes find my stomach clenching while I wonder who remembers and judges.  I wish I were able to use the words you have written in my own efforts to aid others–and will try to incorporate them.

    I particularly like your response to people who ask you if you want to/can drink.  “I can’t stop so I don’t start.”  I usually try cutisms like I finished my share and part of yours many years ago.  Your message is much simpler, humbler, and factual.

    Thanks for this expansion of your story.

  9. Diane February 25, 2018 at 8:58 am - Reply

    Thank you for your excellent article. YES. Living amends has been crucial to my recovery. For me the amends have centered around self care and the process learning to love myself. Life is much better when my perspective on everything comes from love rather than self hatred.

  10. Nancy W February 25, 2018 at 7:52 am - Reply

    I, too, really like your explanation of living amends. I struggle sometimes when I boldly see my defects bouncing around in my brain. I thought those pesky things went away!  Much easier to know they are there and deal accordingly instead of being “ambushed”. Thanks for sharing your story.

  11. Diana R. February 25, 2018 at 7:40 am - Reply

    I really enjoyed reading this article, you write with refreshing honesty and detail about your story. I appreciate how you are able to reflect on how your attitude has changed about yourself, others and circumstances during your sobriety. I now am thinking more about quiet, continuous correct action. Thank-you.

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