Sometimes I find myself desperately seeking and searching for answers to quench my thirst to know. My greatest drive seems to be answer a never-ending quest for why. Why did I become an alcoholic? Why do I so often feel like an imposter inhabiting my life? Why do I never feel like I’m enough? Why this and why that?
As a research scientist, I avoid why questions because of their tenacious intractability. I learned to ask ‘better’ questions that could be answered with data from observations. Yet, as a human trying to be, I find myself asking why over and over and over. I wanted to know why I drank alcohol the ways that I drank alcohol so that I could continue to drink alcohol. For me it seems often that posing why, creates an illusion of control. Sometimes, it is way for me to blame others and absolve myself of responsibility. Last week, I let myself feel the unease of not knowing, of uncertainty, but posed questions of possibility – of ‘what if’ rather than ‘why’.
About the Author
Robert B is sober alcoholic in Madison, WI participating in AA and AlAnon at Fitchburg Serenity Club. He has been sober since April 21, 2007. He also began writing and sharing poetry on Facebook during his first year sober as part of his recovery from alcohol dependency, acute anxiety and chronic depression. He has found that creativity expressed primarily through writing poetry and playing various stringed instruments helped him heal and thrive.