When Want Became Need And I Became Free

I remember how uneasy I felt newly sober. Consequences still rained down on me, affecting health, relationships, finances and career. And it was my mess, the miserable mess I created and now without the numbing effect of alcohol, owned. It took me two years of trying to stop drinking alcohol with the hope of reducing harm to those closest to me. That was in fact my sole goal of abstinence. A month here. A week there. And just when I would begin to regain some trust and respect from those around me, I would drink, self-sabotaging any gains.

So, newly sober with consequences all around me, I inexplicably began to feel ok. Peace. Hope. Even free, though I was now held accountable by others, and by myself, for choices past, present and future. I didn’t know if I could trust what I felt. Was this yet another illusion to prop me up? Now looking back, it was real. It came from something I found within when I saw myself, bad, good and between.

When Want Became Need And I Became Free

What’s this feeling
I used to wonder
For it felt unfamiliar
At the first
From my usual
Panic and hopeless
Stream of days and nights
That seemed to have no end
Deja vu groundhog-like days
Over and over and over
Want become need
Obsession grew from desire
And still I continued to
Feed the inner beast
More More More
The rapacious predator wailed
Again and again and again
I had no other choice
And you know what I mean
But this feeling was new
Much more than calm
And if I didn’t know better
One might also say serene
And most certainly peace
Could I trust this feeling
Or should I flee
Was this just another calm
Before yet another storm
Not free of care but free
Free like never before
Yes I believe I became free

About the Author

Robert B. is sober alcoholic in Madison, WI participating in AA and AlAnon at Fitchburg Serenity Club. He has been sober since April 21, 2007. He also began writing and sharing poetry on Facebook during his first year sober as part of his recovery from alcohol dependency, acute anxiety and chronic depression. He has found that creativity expressed primarily through writing poetry and playing various stringed instruments helped him heal and thrive.

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