Shadows Slight Return

Of late, I’ve been in several consecutive first step meetings. A gift of these for me has been a rear-window view of what it was like then and what it is like now. As I reflect and sink through the layers of my recovery, causes and conditions reveal themselves by listening with compassion and sympathetic joy to the stories of others.

I once thought dependence on alcohol imprisoned me and in part it did. But beneath drinking alcohol to cope, a time when want became a need, was unacknowledged and untreated acute anxiety and chronic depression. With time, meditation, mindful awareness, setting daily intentions, being accountable to others and myself, AA, Buddhist practice combined with a variety of wisdom traditions, willingness, courage, and effort, attempts to change with equal parts success and failed attempts, I began to see how being honest with myself and others freed me and how being dishonest with myself and others imprisoned me in the shadows.

It began with a laser-sharp focus on not drinking alcohol today (that first day) and grew into developing an honest and loving relationship with myself, between me and my shadows that I nurture daily today.

Shadows Slight Return

I

I’ve walked among the shadows

Trapped in a never-ending trance

Bound to an unshakable story

I‘ve authored and yet cannot revise

For now matter how the story began

It ended with me and my shame

Hiding and cowering in the shadows

The best of me consumed by the worst of me

Desperate to change to become

Yet desperately afraid of change

So here I am walking among shadows

Trying trying trying to break free

From the grip of shadows in the dark

Searching searching searching for light

II

I don’t know when it happened

But I’m aware that it did

For quite surprisingly

My shadow became my friend

My worst moments

They did become my best

As they nudged and steered

Pushed and pulled me

From there to here

And from then to now

Weakness became strength

And despair gave birth to hope

As fear and courage danced

Doubt became a seed for faith

About the Author

Robert B. is a sober alcoholic in Madison, WI participating in AA and AlAnon at Fitchburg Serenity Club. He has been sober since April 21, 2007. He also began writing and sharing poetry on Facebook during his first year sober as part of his recovery from alcohol dependency, acute anxiety, and chronic depression. He has found that creativity expressed primarily through writing poetry and playing various stringed instruments helped him heal and thrive.