Robert B

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A Meditation on Uncertainty and Fear

A Meditation on Uncertainty and Fear

Sober, I’ve developed several practices, ways of being that I was unable to consistently use before. Awareness was, and can still be a source of anxiety for me. Sometimes, life’s pressures push me closer and closer to that familiar edge from which I once fell…

The Moon, the Sun, and the Stars

The Moon, the Sun, and the Stars

When I stopped drinking alcohol almost 13 years ago, I was left to face fears, anxiety, regret, guilt, shame and depression. It was overwhelming. The universe that I had lived in for so long was quite small, often a room with curtains drawn and the ringer and e-mail/text notifications off…

Spiritual Not Religious

Spiritual Not Religious

I sometimes worry I cross the line. I like my lines bold, thick, and clear. I identified as agnostic at about 8 years old as a child in a devout Southern Baptist family and community…

I Try To Remember It Wasn’t All Bad

I Try To Remember It Wasn’t All Bad

My first few days, weeks, and months newly sober, my emotions were raw. They often swept me away. Moments of peace rare. Fear was ever-present. My life seemingly teetered on the brink of spinning out of control to that place of ‘no return’ several times a day…

Three Poems About Love For Valentines Day

Three Poems About Love For Valentines Day

Love and intimacy have taken on new meaning for me these days. My spouse and I, in many ways, are an improbable, imperfectly perfect match. It’s not the first marriage for either of us. We produced no children together, meeting when our children were teenagers. The Brady Bunch we were not. With time, patience and acceptance, our family is…

What Are You Afraid Of?

What Are You Afraid Of?

Somewhere between my consciousness and subconscious, I knew that this was a question that I was even afraid to ask – this the power that fear held in my life. I’ve had a long pattern of avoiding as a way to cope…

The Dark Night of Recovery

The Dark Night of Recovery

The Dark Night of Recovery, by Edward Bear is a delightful tale of recovery from dependence on alcohol. Told in thirteen chapters, a prologue, and then each of AA’s twelve steps in a form of conversations between an iconoclastic and wise sponsor and a somewhat skeptical sponsee…

Lo This Prison I’ve Made

Lo This Prison I’ve Made

Of late I’ve been in several 1st step post relapse meetings. The shame in the room is palpable – from the person coming back and all too often, beneath the veil of sympathy from those responding…

In the Darkness, a Bottle of Vodka

In the Darkness, a Bottle of Vodka

I remember the panic I would often feel when I reached for the bottle of vodka in the middle of the night only to realize that it was empty. The liquor store would not open for hours yet. Such dark times those nights were…

Trapped: Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die

Trapped: Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die

Many January reflections align with various versions of Step 1 of 12. Most speak of ‘acceptance’, ‘surrender’, ‘letting go’, and for me the most troubling of all ‘admitting complete defeat’. T…