Robert B

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A Day at a Time They Said

A Day at a Time They Said

I heard this at my first meeting of AA, and I’ll bet that I’ve heard it at every meeting since. 5,226 meetings by my count, but who’s counting. My initial thought was cool. That I can do. But. Yes, but. I found it difficult and I still do. My sense of living my life a day…

The Watcher and Me

The Watcher and Me

The Watcher first showed up in poems I was writing in about 2013 or 2014. These three connected poems were written years apart during times I felt lost, alone and overwhelmed. The Watcher shows up from time to time, especially when my eyes and heart have contracted and hardened. Often, when I become consumed with fear, anger and resentments that…

To the Spouses

To the Spouses

Early days. I was on shaky, newly sober legs and my marriage, more likely to dissolve than survive. A few of the elders, male and female, I’ll add, said, “have her read, ‘To the Wives’.” I read it and decided, no. They also said, “tell her to go to Al-Anon.” I did not (though I now attend an…

Nine Years Later, I’m Still Sober

Nine Years Later, I’m Still Sober

June 23, 2010, our daughter, my stepdaughter, died. Sober, I had euthanized a beloved dog and cat: my best friend of 25 years died unexpectedly; I buried my mom after a lingering dying; my first sponsee died in an alcoholic spiral…

My Shadows and Me

My Shadows and Me

My shadow self, as I’ve come to know, is dominated by regret turned to shame. Shame that bound me in chains and a prison I alone made. Few people in my life have directly shamed me. A former spouse and a dead father are the only people that come to mind. But even in those cases, I fully accepted…

What Do I Actually Believe?

What Do I Actually Believe?

What do I actually believe, I sometimes ask myself, searching for hope and finding none. What I sometimes say to myself is ‘… we are fucked … we are so fucked…

Reclaiming My Spirit

Reclaiming My Spirit

The AA Agnostica article, “Spiritual, Not Religious” The Hollow Claim of Alcoholics Anonymous”,  and a conversation with an agnostic friend in AA about higher powers, brought something together that I’ve been contemplating – whether I need ‘a’ higher power…

What’s Your Greatest Fear?

What’s Your Greatest Fear?

I asked this of myself recently, as I shared in a meeting, and I’ve thought about it frequently since. As a child, I feared my parents would die. I was cultured to not fear – at least not to show it. I feared nuclear war with Russia. I feared snakes of any kind and any size. I feared being drafted…

Transformation

Transformation

I just wanted to stop drinking alcohol because, that’s all that I thought that I needed to do. Truth be known, I just wanted to stop drinking for a while, just long enough to save my marriage, my career, my relationship with my son and daughters, and a handful of friends. I mean that, not with flippancy, nor arrogance…

Restoration

Restoration

Restoration – I recently visited my son and his family—his wife and one year old daughter. A relationship once broken, now restored…