Robert B

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Despair and Desire

Despair and Desire

Of late, I’ve noticed despair and desire arising and sometimes becoming a distraction and a focus of my meditation for several days. I, at times, intentionally try, and impossibly fail, to avoid feelings of despair and feelings of desire. Despair often creates hopeless sadness. Desire becomes an obsessive urge, often harmful, to change the way that I feel or…

A Meditation on Storms

A Meditation on Storms

A pandemic seeming without end, a stark political divide, hurricanes in the gulf, raging fires in the west all creating anxiety of an uncertain future that can overwhelm me. Being present for myself and for those that I love and that love me at times is threatened by my urge to flee, to withdraw from life, and retreat…

Crying Alone in the Dark

Crying Alone in the Dark

Of late, I’ve been aware of how important light is to my well-being. Fall has sometimes been a signal of occasional seasonal symptoms of depression. Before getting sober, this became unbearable because, even on medications, I had no tools to as we often say, live life on life’s terms…

The Desperate Dance

The Desperate Dance

Once upon a time, I lived as if I had no choice but to drink alcohol in good times and in bad. I was ‘powerless over alcohol’ and I made my life ‘unmanageable’. Part of me knew that I was self-sabotaging any chance of living the kind of life that I hoped for and once thought possible. Even more…

Swept Away by the Raging Storm

Swept Away by the Raging Storm

Of late, I notice how desperate I am to hold on to happiness and joy and to push away anger, sadness, and grief. I often try to insulate myself and to live in a news and current events bubble…

Looking Back

Looking Back

I realize that I used to live a conditional life – ifs, thens, whens, etc. And at times I still do. My impulses to stop drinking alcohol for a time were dependent on the degree of consequences that resulted when I drank too much/was too frequently drunk…

Shadows Slight Return

Shadows Slight Return

 Of late, I’ve been in several consecutive first step meetings. A gift of these for me has been a rear-window view of what it was like then and what it is like now. As I reflect and sink through the layers of my recovery, causes and conditions reveal themselves by listening with compassion and sympathetic joy to the…

Some Days Are Hard

Some Days Are Hard

Living sober has been full of nuance. Sometimes simple. Sometimes complicated. Often complex. Sometimes ‘the next right thing’ is clear and easy to see. Other times, I am hopelessly confused…

Coming Undone

Coming Undone

Like the Guess Who classic, She’s Come Undone, my life began to come undone, to spiral out of control into dependence on alcohol, frequent paralyzing panic, hopeless, demoralizing depression and suicidal ideation 14 years ago…

I Wanted to Dance and I Wanted to Sing

I Wanted to Dance and I Wanted to Sing

Though I’m not trapped in a depressive episode now, I remember what it is like. For me, depression has proven chronic. Something I manage with medication, meditation, mindfulness and connection. It’s always there lurking, a foreboding shadow, threatening to consume me again…