Robert B

Writed 26 posts and 0 comments

The Worst Days of My Life (Thus Far)

The Worst Days of My Life (Thus Far)

I’ve had many worst days of my life. Too many to count. Dark days when I stopped wanting to live and I bought a rope. The death of an old dog that was still too young. A daughter that died much, much too young. A career I thought I’d have forever that changed. The pain that I finally…

When I Lost Everything

When I Lost Everything

What was your bottom? Twelve years ago, I truly believed that I was losing everything that I valued. Dying seemed a relief from a life I could no longer face. I consciously lost more and more each day. I saw myself for what I had become – hopeless. Hope that was what had always helped me get through the hard times…

When Want Became Need And I Became Free

When Want Became Need And I Became Free

I remember how uneasy I felt newly sober. Consequences still rained down on me, affecting health, relationships, finances and career. And it was my mess, the miserable mess I created and now without the numbing effect of alcohol, owned. It took me two years of trying to stop drinking alcohol with the hope of reducing harm to those closest to…

God is Everything or Else He is Nothing

God is Everything or Else He is Nothing

I heard it again this morning for the umpteenth time “…we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t.” If you’re anything like me, it’s not lost on you that this flies in the face of ‘… or higher power as we understand …” not…

Stillness and Silence

Stillness and Silence

To sit still, quiet, a thing of dread in early recovery (sometimes now). A meditator for more than half my life and my first weeks sober and months before, I needed to move, to fill my time, anything but sitting quietly. Crawling out of my skin took on meaning. I couldn’t read. I wouldn’t journal. I kept thoughts…

Anger

Anger

“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger … but to alcoholics these things were poison … anger is a luxury we cannot afford “. Various versions of this I heard and read from my first days in Alcoholics Anonymous. For a time, they made sense to me and fit with how I thought that I should be and…

Seeking

Seeking

Sometimes I find myself desperately seeking and searching for answers to quench my thirst to know. My greatest drive seems to be answer a never-ending quest for why. Why did I become an alcoholic? Why do I so often feel like an imposter inhabiting my life? Why do I never feel like I’m enough? Why this and why…

Bearing witness to the pain and suffering of ‘those who still suffer’

Bearing witness to the pain and suffering of ‘those who still suffer’

In my home group some that chair that meeting preface the prompt to join in the first part of the Serenity Prayer with ‘for those that still suffer inside and outside of these rooms’. It is rarely lost on me how much suffering I see. Relapse. Multiple or serial relapse. Pending divorce. Divorce. Being fired. A dire diagnosis. A terminal…

Christmas on Tobacco Road

Christmas on Tobacco Road

I grew up on a little hard scrabble farm in the hills and hollers of eastern Tennessee. Our farm was on a gravel road that connected to two more gravel roads before reaching an asphalt state highway. Planting, harvesting, and preparing tobacco for market auction was a family affair that everyone helped as soon as one could walk. The process…

What It Was Like Then and What It Is Like Now

What It Was Like Then and What It Is Like Now

I start my day with a 10-15 minute meditation. I’ve done this most days since I got sober. The form changes from time to time. Sometimes simply to relax. Sometimes to let be. In early April 2007, I needed to drink alcohol to get through my day. When I tried and tried sincerely to not harm those those…