Robert B

Writed 88 posts and 0 comments

I Wanted to Dance and I Wanted to Sing

I Wanted to Dance and I Wanted to Sing

Though I’m not trapped in a depressive episode now, I remember what it is like. For me, depression has proven chronic. Something I manage with medication, meditation, mindfulness and connection. It’s always there lurking, a foreboding shadow, threatening to consume me again…

Seeking Wholeness | Returning to the Source

Seeking Wholeness | Returning to the Source

My spouse and I were recently conversing about who we’ve been before and after. Before and after we met. Before and after I hit bottom and got sober. Before and after our daughter died. Before and after grandchildren began to fill our lives. Both of us, often felt incomplete and desperately sought wholeness…

A Life Torn Asunder

A Life Torn Asunder

Facing a harsh reality 13 years ago of a reality that I had created, filled me with hope-consuming shame. Until that point, I protected my denial by blaming a sometimes traumatic childhood, failed relationships, stressful career situations, being misunderstood, etc…

These Masks I used to Wear

These Masks I used to Wear

Of late, I’ve been in several meetings where the idea of imposter phenomenon or imposter syndrome came up in more than one share. Now in my sixth decade of life, and second decade of recovery, I still feel the need to pretend, to hide my true self. Some of my earliest memories from elementary school are of feeling inadequate…

Living in the Present with the Past and With the Future

Living in the Present with the Past and With the Future

One day at a time. Living in the present. Be here, be here now. Useful AA and beyond slogans. But … But for me an impossible task. The idea, though attractive, evokes something akin to the magical thinking required of me by let go and let god. Even more secular oriented notions such as live in the present create a sense…

Amidst the Chaos About Me I See

Amidst the Chaos About Me I See

Amidst the Chaos About Me I See: Aubrey and Floyd, Cooper and Karens, masks and no masks, pandemic and hoax, guns in state capitals and Minneapolis burning…

Breath

Breath

I’m easily swept away by uncertainty into a spiral of fear. Fear-created,- heart beating out of my chest- panic. For much of my life, I woke gagging on anxiety most mornings. I woke gagging with dry heaves regardless of whether my life was good or bad. It was worse when things were difficult and challenging. But there all…

Trapped in a Trance

Trapped in a Trance

 The notion of character defects that need be removed in Steps 6 and 7 and in popular books such as Drop the Rock, “…A big part of Twelve Step recovery is learning to recognize and let go of the character defects, shortcomings and attitudes that would otherwise sink us…” present a conundrum for me…

Fragments

Fragments

So often, my thoughts are fragments. Unknown fears that grab me and will not let go. Regret that I cannot forget. Scars I thought healed, plucked revealing old pain born anew. Disappointments become resentments that create walls between me and (you…

Surrender

Surrender

I’m and idealist in a practical realist body. Or maybe it’s the other way round. When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, Acceptance Was The Answer was quoted as frequently as The Promises. I heard sayings and slogans like, surrender to win, cease fighting anyone and anything (sometimes paraphrased to cease fighting everyone and everything…